Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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