this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
