Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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