Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
