Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My pussy is not your playground.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
