is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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