Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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