there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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