Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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