Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
