Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
