I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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