i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
