I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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