dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
