I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
