Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
the liver wants what the liver wants
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
