You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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