Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
