im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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