i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
being pregnant is like rehab
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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