Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
