There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
