i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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