WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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