My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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