Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
