someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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