I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
