worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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