My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
