if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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