1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
