I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
