tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
