I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
