Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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