literally had 100 drinks last night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
