there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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