We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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