First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
