dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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