Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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