what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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