this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
