I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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