I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
