it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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