Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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