This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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